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The Positive Voice
The Positive Voice, is a podcast dedicated to helping you live your best life. Our show is all about spreading positivity and inspiration, and we cover a variety of topics that are designed to help you cultivate a more positive mindset. From the neuroscience of positivity to the power of affirmations, we explore the many ways in which you can bring more positivity into your life. Our episodes are full of practical tips and strategies that you can apply to your own life, as well as inspiring stories from people who have overcome adversity to achieve their dreams. So if you're looking for a dose of positivity and inspiration, join us on The Positive Voice and start living life to the fullest!
The Positive Voice
E60: Setting Boundaries for Growth: The Art of Saying No for Personal and Professional Wellness
Two Virgos, 1 Coach + 1 Therapist, focused on the topic of BOUNDARIES!
Get ready to redefine your limits with the help of Carmen Jimenez-Pride, a licensed clinical therapist, who joins me, Coach Chef Kim, to traverse the intricate landscape of personal and professional boundaries. Within this episode, we unlock the art of boundary-setting, distinguishing these vital lines from ultimatums, and arming you with strategies for when those lines are inevitably crossed. Our conversation delves into the profound impact of past traumas on our current boundary blueprint and highlights self-care as the cornerstone of growth and self-preservation.
Our candid exchange peels back layers on the struggle to please others while safeguarding our own space, a battle many of us know all too well. We dissect how a lack of boundaries bleeds into our decision-making, particularly in business, where leadership demands harmony between personal insight and professional prowess. You'll hear my personal reflections on how skirting around these issues can lead to an entrepreneur's downfall and why tackling internal conflicts head-on is a non-negotiable for those at the helm of any venture.
Rounding out our session, Carmen and I discuss the transformative power of a personal 'advisory board', a concept that mirrors the guiding principles of an entrepreneurial support system. This inner circle, carefully curated, holds the key to accountability and navigating life's challenges with wisdom and foresight. We wrap up by touching on therapy's role in thriving, a nod to the evolving nature of our personal quests and the beauty of recognizing when we've reached a new pinnacle in our journey. Tune in for an episode packed with revelations and practical wisdom to fortify your boundary-setting skills for a life less encumbered and more intentional.
You can Connect with Carmen here:
Welcome to The Positive Voice, a feel-good podcast designed to inspire and uplift through heartfelt conversations and the power of positivity! Hosted by transformational life coach and hope dealer, Kimberly Houston, where we delve into personal growth, wellness, and the beauty of overcoming life's challenges.
Join our creative and supportive community as we laugh, learn, and grow together on this life-changing journey. Subscribe to The Positive Voice and let's spread the joy, one conversation at a time!
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Welcome back to another episode of the Positive Voice podcast. I am your host, coach, chef Kim, and y'all guess what? I'm not by myself today. I know You're excited. It's OK. We're all going to be excited about the fact that I brought in a guest. So here's what I can tell y'all about my guest. She's a therapist, but I don't know if she's going to be able to fix y'all lives. I asked y'all what y'all wanted to know about and I got an overwhelming, overwhelming amount of DMs that said boundaries. So I have asked Carmen to come and chat with us about boundaries and she so graciously agreed to do so. Let's see if Carmen is as nice as I am.
Speaker 2:Well, we're both Virgos.
Speaker 1:It should be a super fun episode. That's all I can tell y'all. All right, before we hop into things, I am going to let Carmen introduce herself to you guys so you guys can connect with her, and I will promise I'll put all this stuff down in show notes. So, carmen, introduce yourself.
Speaker 2:Thank you. I am Carmen Jimenez Pride, licensed clinical social worker, registered play therapist supervisor, internationally credentialed stand-trade therapist and there's a lot more that follows that. But to my following, I'm a therapist, play therapist coach, serial entrepreneur and creative.
Speaker 1:Yes, because what do you mean? This is literally how I feel when I introduce myself.
Speaker 2:It always feels weird when I introduce myself, because I have a part of me. That's like who in the cuss are you talking about?
Speaker 1:Yourself. Listen, I have this motto Ain't nobody else going to brag on you like you do? So that's true, you earned it.
Speaker 2:That's true. I did, I paid for it, earned it, slaved over it, cried over it, all the things.
Speaker 1:And did Me too. That's why people have to call me Coach Chef Kim, because I paid for that and they called on blue. Therefore, we don't recognize it.
Speaker 2:Don't recognize all of it, all of it.
Speaker 1:All of it OK, so they want to talk about boundaries?
Speaker 2:Boundaries.
Speaker 1:Which my assumption in the boundary thing is that I think there's a couple of ways this conversation can go, and I'm super open to however it goes. So we could talk about the fact that people don't know how to set boundaries, they don't understand the difference between boundaries and ultimatums, because they are not the same. Or even down to, what do you do when you set the boundary and people still violate the boundary, like then, what is the next step after that? So I have my own thoughts on these things, but I'm not a therapist and I don't want people to be out here in these streets getting hurt by other people Because my Virgo tendencies are just like F them folks.
Speaker 2:So I think I'm the same way and I have to comment down when I'm in the therapy sessions with people talking about boundaries, because if you break a boundary with me, we're done Like I am broke. I'm not giving you all of these chances and opportunities to keep breaking boundaries, because usually breaking boundaries hurt.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And me being who I am. I don't like to tell people I'm hurt. I just get mad and then I show out I don't want to do all that Exactly, but boundaries like, it just kind of depends on what people need when you talk about boundaries, because sometimes they need to set personal boundaries and sometimes they need to set professional boundaries.
Speaker 1:Ooh, ok, let's dig into both.
Speaker 2:Let's dig into both. You have to set personal boundaries in order to be successful at setting professional boundaries. That's just according to Carmen, and there's always a lot of according to Carmen things that has not yet been written, but it's like all swimming in my head. So we experience things and when we experience something, the opportunity to set a boundary comes up. So every single experience that we have in our lives, there's an opportunity to continue to allow those experiences to happen. Or we stop, we pause, we set a boundary so it won't happen again.
Speaker 2:That can be impacted by childhood trauma. That can be impacted by I call it here and now trauma, where people are in traumatic situations. Currently I say trauma or traumatic situations. There's no major definition for that. It's whatever the person consider as being traumatic and traumatizing for them. Like my 17-year-old if I take his PlayStation, that's traumatizing from him. He's going to show out, he's going to be emotional. That is trauma for him. Or someone that is 25 years old if I take their PlayStation, they're like oh okay, well, let me find something else to do.
Speaker 2:That's not trauma for them. So looking at what trauma is for people is going to vary from person to person, but knowing that if you've had poor boundaries as you were growing up, you've experienced trauma, when you're growing up, you're going to have poor boundaries as an adult. It's going to be so difficult to set those boundaries, but it's needed. It's needed and when I think about setting them, I think about well, what do you owe to yourself? Really focused on self, so doing what we call an IFS internal family systems that you turn to really turn things back around to look at who you are and how you're affected. What do you owe yourself? Like, if I keep letting you harass me, disrespect me, take advantage of me, what is that really saying about who I am and myself? So setting those boundaries really focuses on being a little bit selfish, like what you need for yourself. That's how we grow, not only personally, but also professionally as well. What's your thoughts on that? Kimberly, listen, excuse me, excuse me, coach, chef, kim, let me get it right.
Speaker 1:You're in the inner circle. You can call me Kimberly. I totally, totally agree. And even in my coaching cohort, in our 90 day emergence coaching, we've been talking about boundaries this week and I think last week, definitely moving into next week.
Speaker 1:How do a lot of them are people pleasers. So how do people pleasers stop pleasing other people and start pleasing themselves? And it feels selfish. Like people are riddled with guilt and I was like that's a learned behavior. Like you did not come out of the womb. Like, oh, it is my mission on earth to please people. Like that is not how this works. You learn these behaviors based on the things that you have encountered while you were growing up and now you need to unlearn these behaviors. So if you're looking at the situation and you're saying, am I being served in this Nine times out of 10, probably not, probably not. And then the other thing that I bring up with people is did they even ask you to do it? Like you over here breaking your neck trying to help somebody, but did they ask you for your help? Was there a call that said I need you to come rescue me?
Speaker 1:Because the other side of being a people pleaser is you get pissed off when people don't show up for you. And so I asked the heart questions. Well, did they ask you? Did they ask for you in the first place? Because what you're expecting from them is what you made a decision to do. Nobody asked you to do that.
Speaker 1:So, even in the people pleasing, or and this is why there's no boundaries because you have inserted yourself in situations no one invited you to. And then you get mad when people don't turn around and show up for you. Well, they didn't ask you to show up for them, but did you ask them to show up for you? Well, no, it should be reciprocated. Why? Why should it be reciprocated? And I'm one of those people that firmly believes ask for what the hell you want. Like, people are not mind readers. On the other side of divorce listen, people are not fucking mind readers.
Speaker 1:Okay, if you do not say what it is you need explicitly, like, I'm gonna tell you this is what I need. Do not go do something else. I just told you the three things I need, that's it. I need you to do those three things. That, for me, that's the boundary. And when you don't produce those three things, then you gonna do five other things and expect praise. Friend, you didn't do what I asked you to do, and so for me, that is like such a red flag that lets me know multiple things about you. Number one you don't actually care what I have to say. Number two you're gonna do what you want to do anyway. Number three whatever boundary I set with you, you're going to cross it.
Speaker 1:And you can't be trusted Exactly. So why, like, people are like well, how do you know? When you set the boundary? You you have to give people the opportunity to show up. Like I'm, everything is very on the surface with me. You do not need to like flip through 15,000 books to figure me out. I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about me exists on Beyonce's Internet. There it is. It's all there. Like do your research. This is the research and development. Like you should know things about other people.
Speaker 1:And when people have historically shown you that they're going to do what they want to do, that they're going to do what they think is best for you anyway, even though you're like, that is not serving me. Like your idea of what I should be doing right now. That's not helpful. Parents do this all the time. That's not helpful. And so when we're little because somebody asked me the other day like we were talking about boundaries and ultimatums my parents always said boundaries no, they don't. Your parents said ultimatums. Your parents tell you if you don't do this thing that I think you should be doing, I am going to remove something out of your life. That's not a boundary, that is an ultimatum. And when we're taught a whole lot of ultimatums in our life. We turn into people pleasers Because you don't want the other side to happen. And so now you're an adult, that's the people pleaser. You don't know how to set boundaries, and even if you set the boundary, you would rather sacrifice yourself than to stand firm on the boundary that you said.
Speaker 2:And let's say that when people do that, people want connection and they want connection by any means necessary. So, okay, I'm going to try my best to please you. I am not going to have very poor boundaries because I want the connection. And if I put my therapist lens on, that's a part of them. And when something happens and you have those experiences that doesn't feel good and you know that you need to set a boundary, there's a part of you is like hmm, this is not cool, this is not right.
Speaker 2:When the people I can't get it out, people please are parked and starts it's activated, it's online and starts to please, there's a part of you that's saying don't do that. And a lot of people ignore those little voices because I think that they might be going crazy or something, but not really like that. But they ignore the voice, they ignore that feeling in their stomach. They ignore the fact that their debit card has dropped five times. They ignore that they can't find said debit card. They ignore all of the signs that the universe is whatever or whatever they believe in is trying to get it out and it's trying to get them to not do the thing, because they're people pleasing and there is no boundaries there.
Speaker 2:So I see people in parts, like they have parts of them, different parts.
Speaker 2:So it's a people pleasing part, it's a part that wants the boundary, and when there's a conflict between the two is what we call a polarization Should I this or should I not do this?
Speaker 2:And we have to listen to both sides and spend time with both sides to figure out what is the best decision for us to do. So when I have clients to come in and says, oh, carmen, I need to, I need you to help me set boundaries, I have a little funny look on my face because I'm like I can't set boundaries for you. I can help you work through your polarizations around setting those boundaries and then you can make an informed decision about what boundaries need to be put in place for you, for your mental health, for your physical health, emotionally, emotional health, all the things. And again, poor boundaries in your professional life is going to be poor boundaries. No, let me have got to switch it up poor boundaries in your personal life leads to poor boundaries in your professional life. And then you start making shit as business decisions and that is a whole soapbox road to go down.
Speaker 1:Listen, I know I so. Okay, this is my new thing for this year. People like to put me into boxes, which, as a Virgo, I can't stand. Don't put me in a box, because as soon as you think you know who I am, I don't switch it up and got another degree and now somebody different, right? So when I went into coaching, I have had a title of a transformation coach, a mindset coach, a visionary coach, all empowerment coach, all these different things. Okay, whatever, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:What I decided to do this year was take another look at what is entrepreneurship and what is missing. And everybody wants to start a business. Everybody has a side hustle. It is required at this point in life, right, like one income is just not kicking it for most people anyway. So even though I hate the word side hustle, I get it. I understand why you need an additional source of income. That's what I rather call it. Something about I hustle. Don't say well, with me.
Speaker 1:People are like you know, I'm trying to do this and I'm going to go hard in business and I'm like how's your personal life when anybody tells me they can't do something? Like there's a whole lot of procrastination happening. You're avoiding doing the thing you know you need to do, like you cannot be an entrepreneur in this day and age and tell me your business is not online. What do you mean? What do you mean? Covid taught everybody this lesson. There's no reason why there's not a way for people to give you money online, right? So I'm like make that one make sense and what I just don't want to. Okay, okay, cool, we're gonna have the conversation, but in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking your personal life has got to be in shambles right now, because if you are fulfilled in your personal life, you know how to set boundaries in your business.
Speaker 1:You won't be a workaholic If you actually enjoy your personal life. You enjoy. You have curated a life for yourself that is full of love and happiness and all of those things. When it's time to clock out, it's time to clock out. Like people who message me. I'm like y'all you still working on the same thing for 11 hours. Make it make sense. Like it is so easy for me to tell when the personal life is not where it's supposed to be, and then people put that into business. The problem with that is you still avoided the conflict in your personal life and then you expect to be able to show up as a leader in business, and you can't Because you have not worked through conflict resolution in the safety of your own home. So how are you working through conflict resolution? You're not.
Speaker 2:Your mind is on your personal stuff. And then if you're a workaholic, because your personal stuff is not together, you're tired, you're tired, you can't think, you can't process. And I'm sitting here and I'm talking about it, but I'm guilty of it as well. I'm going to be transparent and I'm guilty of it. If you know me, you know I don't sleep often and I'm up all hours of the night and doing stuff. But eventually that catches up with me and I will either knock out or I was sitting in front of the computer and don't get anything done because I can't think, I can't process, and that's because my physical health is not where it needs to be. So again, that physical and that emotional is super important and people don't. They don't want to connect. They don't want to connect them.
Speaker 1:We don't. It's entrepreneurial wellness, like I even adjusted my blog to say, instead of saying mindset and mindfulness, it says entrepreneurial wellness, because you can't tell me that all of those things don't make you a better entrepreneur. And I put it to the test because I'm not going to like preach it to people and don't do it. So even with me starting the Monday, wednesday, friday, going to the gym, every time I'm coaching or doing something regarding coaching, I am drinking out of a pink cup with water. Like those are the two habits I started at the top of the year. I sleep better. Like you know, I'm not up before 10. And the fact that I was up before 10 today, like my coaching group chat was like are you okay? Now it was like we're going, I'm going out of town, like yeah, I have other things I need to do today. So I had to get up a little early, but it was only an hour earlier, right? Like I don't wake up with an alarm, and so I'm like y'all, entrepreneurial wellness matters. The amount of sleep you get matters.
Speaker 1:I remember working 14, 16 hour days and sleeping for four hours, talking about I'm good. Ain't no way in hell If I could go back in time and have a conversation with myself as to what our life was going to look like. First of all, it wasn't worth it. The 14 to 16 hour days were not worth it Period. They weren't. But my body decided okay, we're going to shut down now and my freaking hands don't work anymore. You can have paid me to believe that will be my life now, but it was literally because I did not prioritize my physical health over chasing the money or trying to prove that I could be the best chef I could be. I already proven it. I was already good, like I was already good. It just it should not have cost me my physical health and, truth be told, about 65% of the reason we got divorced was because of this.
Speaker 1:There was some other stuff, but there was a whole lot that had to do with my drive for entrepreneurship Did not make sense. It was, it was off the chain Very, very different. I am focused on getting this job done. This is my focus. You were not. Again, your personal life is in shambles. You turn into a workaholic. Yes, I'm going to take 10 different orders the week that we get married. Yes, yes, we're going to cut our honeymoon short so I can come back home and do another cake. My priorities were very, very different a decade ago, like they just were, and on the other side of it, I regret nothing. Let me put that out there In case people are listening. I don't regret shit.
Speaker 1:But but what I can tell you is putting that much effort into business and into clients who, quite literally, don't give a damn, like they really don't Like they really like. Yes, they might like you as a service person, but, baby, when I got injured, everybody said the same thing who do you recommend? Who do you recommend? That was the end of my 10 year career as a pastry chef Was email after email, dm after DM. Even now, who do you recommend? I don't fucking know. I haven't done it in four years. I can tell you who still does this and who doesn't. Go find him the way you found me a decade ago. I don't know what to tell you, but, like when you sacrifice so much of yourself for business, part of the boundary thing that I have had to learn is that all boundaries aren't with other people. Sometimes you need to set a boundary for yourself.
Speaker 1:Listen say that again. Like some of this stuff we do to ourselves, I'm like you be breaking your own heart Like you did this. You made a decision to do this to yourself and then you wanna get mad at other people because you didn't take better boundaries with yourself. That's your fault.
Speaker 2:And there's so many like, when I think about that, there's so many different pieces to it, like connection, because we'll do just about anything for some connection, yup and what else. Connection namesake, trying to prove things to people, that's a big one, you know. Trying to do something different versus what we heard as a child, or heard, as you know, through poor relationships. Well, let me work even harder. Let me not have good boundaries, because someone told me no, when I was seven years old and I decided I wanted to start a I'm laughing at myself I wanted to start a business for lotion for plants, plant lotion. So, yeah, and I almost ruined all of my grandmother's plants.
Speaker 2:But through that, my uncle was like, what the hell are you doing? Don't do this. And my grandmother was like, oh, interesting, lotion for plants, we'll see if it works and take notes. Well, I came back and said it didn't work. And she's like no, what are you going to do now Versus other people fussing and saying you're wasting, and I may plant lotion with like water and flour. We don't want to go down that road. But plant lotion, it was good, created. Yeah, let's figure this out. But hearing one person, especially someone that I looked up to and love, tell me, no, don't do that now. Has was triggered in my system. So when I decide to do something different, I still hear that. I still hear that no, and I have to tap into that other part.
Speaker 2:That heard my grandmother say okay, do it take notes on it and let's revisit, let's come back and talk about it and see what happens. So again, when we have poor boundaries in which we can't really put up good boundaries when we're young, because this just it's just not going to happen. But when we get old enough to put up boundaries based on our traumatic situations that we've experienced as children, it's going to be difficult to do, but we have to do it. So I always tell people if you've had trauma growing up, you have issues growing up, you've experienced things that has attacked you emotionally, you need to go to therapy because you're not going to be successful at anything you do, whether we actually see it or not, you're not going to be successful, and that's physically or emotionally. You're not going to be successful until you work out those things. And I used to if my clients used to laugh and be like well, that doesn't make sense, I'm very successful. I'm like well, sit, really, think about it. Mm-hmm, really think about it, because you're going to tell me all the good stuff. You're going to be very curated in front of me versus raw, real and transparent like you should be. Mm-hmm, I have to tell me all the things. Well, how do you know that? And I always I talk about my friend. He knows I talk about him.
Speaker 2:We were like, right out of college and we both our parents' whole situation trauma, growing up, trauma. And I was super excited about my first professional business card that I paid $9.99 from Vista Print. When I tell you, you couldn't tell me nothing when I got these business cards. I was so excited about him. Well, he spent $600 on business cards and I'm like, why spend $600 on business cards? He's like, why are you spending $9.99 on business cards? Because of his trauma. He's lost so much growing up, lost so much. Things was taken away, things did not, things of value did not. Nobody like really valued his things of value.
Speaker 2:So now, as an adult, you make in which I call dumb decisions on $600 business cards that people are going to take, throw away and do all the things. You're getting big cards basically for yourself, you know, versus you having a business card that has everything on it that you need to meet the need $9.99, what's the difference? And I got more business cards than he did. So I just want to put that out there. I have more business cards. So and I tell that story because I let people know what you've experienced again what you experienced in your personal life poor boundaries, all the things pleasing all of that will lead to very poor decisions in your professional life. And again, transparent moment. I've done it as well, you know, I've experienced it. So I've had to put in, like you said, those boundaries for yourself, not always for other people, but boundaries for yourself. And those are not easy, they're not, they're not easy.
Speaker 1:It's a practice. I'm like we're always practicing, like always like people who are impulse shoppers like I worked retail for 14 years, so I understand the game. Like it was my job to get you to buy popcorn, candy and a soda on your way out of the line at Blockbuster. But that was my job, okay. So does that mean that I set up my checkout counter where you must go through popcorn, candy and a drink? Yes, absolutely, my repeat clients did I already know your favorite candy? Was it already sitting there?
Speaker 1:Like right there right, Was it already in? It's in a cute little bucket here. Go ahead and grab this. It's only $5. You know, you want to make it a Blockbuster night.
Speaker 1:Like, I understand marketing, I understand these things, and I don't think people realize how much that impacts you. Right, Like I refuse to go to the movie theater now and not have popcorn, because what do you mean? Why? But my children did not grow up with that conditioning and so they go to the movies with Taco Bell or Wendy's or McDonald's and I'm just like don't y'all need popcorn to watch the movie? And they're like no, they're like no, we don't. And I'm like, okay, this is literally conditioning from my childhood, because that was Blockbuster slogan. Make it a Blockbuster night. You get your movies, two movies, two drinks, two candies and a popcorn. Like this is what you're supposed to be doing. And so my brain still does that and people like I use that as just like a very funny example. But if you're an impulse shopper, if you impulsively buy things in your personal life, you also impulsively buy shit you do not need in your professional life.
Speaker 2:Quit talking about me, please.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna talk Listen.
Speaker 2:I'm not talking. I'm not I feel like talking.
Speaker 1:I'm not, I'm just like do you need that Like or did you want it? I think that there are moments where you splurge and you get what you want. But, like, if I ask the question, how much money did you make in business? And you tell me you hit six figures over it. But then you're like I can't pay my bills. What are you spending the money on?
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:And so the way people think they can get around this is they'll just buy a bunch of shit for their business Instead of buying it for themselves like a personal expense. Well, I can just write it off at the end of the year. Writing something off at the end of the year does not mean you have good spending habits. It doesn't mean that you have set proper boundaries. It doesn't mean any of that. It just means that you were an energetic match for money, but you're not an energetic match for keeping it, and I'm like we got some work to do, because if you're bringing it in steadily, bringing money in as an entrepreneur, but then you never have any.
Speaker 1:Yes, the cost of living is through the freaking roof. We all know this, but some people I'm just like, what was the last thing you bought for your business? Oh, just a $12,000 camera. For what? My YouTube channel? If you don't got your damn iPhone and stop playing with me, like what do you mean? Why are you being defined by 50 million gadgets that literally sit in a corner and collect dust, and I have so many entrepreneurs who just or the new favorite courses.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's like therapists and trainings. Therapists and trainings.
Speaker 1:Oh my God. And as someone who creates courses, let me tell you why this bothers me. As the course creator, I can see you didn't do the work. I can literally log into the back end and see who has completed the course. 90% of the people who buy classes are not doing them and then you go buy another one because you think it's better. How do you know it's better than the one you already bought? You didn't even take the class.
Speaker 2:Exactly, or you see someone so post about a course or training. Yeah, so you feel that you need to do the same thing so you can be on their level, and they're struggling just as much as you are in the back end.
Speaker 1:Or they got an affiliate code to the program, right, and they're quite literally not taking the class. They're just getting the affiliate book because you went about it, cause you got FOMO, and I'm like yo, this is a cycle. It's a cycle and like a boundary I had when I was learning photography in 2020, we all know what happens. I got divorced. My husband was a photographer. Moving on, I had to learn how to shoot my own photos, right? Okay, boom.
Speaker 1:So when I started taking photography classes, the first one was in October. The second one was the first week in November. The third one was Black Friday. The fourth class that I bought was in January. I had four online photography classes and I took them all. The shit still didn't make sense. So then I said you know what I'm gonna go take in person classes. This is still pandemic. I paid for one-on-one instruction to take a photography class. Here's the lesson I learned in this. So, as a lady and I were doing a photography class, she starts telling me about her very first photography class that she ever taught. I was in it.
Speaker 2:You're like wait a minute? This sounds familiar.
Speaker 1:I was like, wait, the mashed potatoes was like ice cream. She was like, yes, she said there was a glitch in the system and the system double booked the class and in that class we really were moving around this building to different things. She said I didn't have a choice because when all these people kept showing up, we were like, how are we gonna teach? It was supposed to be like 10 people in the class, it was like 40 of us, oh wow. And so she was having to bounce from place to place to place trying to explain how to do the stuff. And she was walking me through that night and I was like I was here and it had been like three, four years at this point, and so when we did the class one-on-one, she was able to answer my questions immediately. And then when I went and filed my taxes, my bookkeeper was like you spent $10,000 in courses for photography last year.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow.
Speaker 1:I spent who, what and why. Now did I make it back? Yes, I had made six figures couple of times that year. It was great, it was wonderful, but still the problem was he told me you will never be a photographer. That is why I kept taking class after class after class after class. I had to shit. Three years prior I had already taken a photography class, but the problem was in the back of my head. All I kept hearing was him say you'll never be a real photographer. And so I kept going and then I started teaching the shit, because I'm like no, screw you. Now, in an objective world, now that we've matured a bit and we can look back on it, did he tell me this in a realm of you're not any good? No, he did not. What he said was you're not just gonna be a photographer, you learn things to teach it. And I was like F you. I literally traveled the US and teach photography.
Speaker 2:Now there it is.
Speaker 1:But all I heard in my head was you'll never be a photographer as in. You're just gonna simply do this craft. And so I paid a crap ton of money, taking class after class after class, just so that I could be the best to prove to somebody else who, quite literally, is not paying me any attention. Like and I think about how often we do this as humans Like, are you still trying to prove your second grade bully wrong?
Speaker 2:Right. Like I try to be butt with people. That isn't a totally different lane. Like I took an agile training I'm not in that world, I don't even remember nothing from it. Like I struggled through the training but I took it because so-and-so took it and I didn't have a good reason. Waste of time and money for something I don't even like. The skills are there barely, but I don't use them All because somebody told me I could not do something.
Speaker 2:And I hear that in the back of my mind oh, you can't do this, you can't do this Because there is no. There is now, but then there was no personal boundary with myself. Like, go back and look at, go look at your resume, go look at you. Do you really need that? Say no to the things that you don't need. Don't follow someone. Follow your path. Those are good personal boundaries and it's not. Oh, if you do this, this is gonna happen. No, I need to do this for my growth. I need to stay away from this for my growth. And again, those personal boundaries.
Speaker 2:But it also might be dealing with other people. I love my mom to death, but my mom finds out a lot of stuff that I do, just like everybody else. Facebook, facebook, yeah, facebook, because she will talk me out and down. Oh my God, yes. So that is a personal boundary for me that affects my professional life. Like, I don't tell her what I'm doing until I'm done, until the ink is dry, yup. Or until everybody else finds out, because she will talk me out of it, yup.
Speaker 2:She almost talked me out of becoming an entrepreneur. You gotta leave that job at the county. The county has benefits and it does this, but the county is dragging me. Like I'm drinking too much and I'm going to bed off of a dale and a bottle of wine every night. This is not working. I'm only eating mac and cheese from the restaurant down the street, like this is not working for me. Yeah, and she almost talked me out of it, me thinking that I need to have this good government job because of benefits and because she never had a good government job and she thinks that's existing and living. It's her. That's her, yeah. So again, after time, after time, time after time had to put that personal boundary in place. I tell my clients all the time just because they're family, that doesn't mean anything. That doesn't mean anything.
Speaker 1:It sure don't. I love the term a family of origin, because then you don't feel like the enmeshment isn't so much. Like that was how I learned how to cut them out of being in a family of people who have opinions and or you need permission to do things you know. Like the matriarch of the family, you gotta run about her Y'all trying to get married. You gotta run about this person, you having a baby Okay, I got it. You gotta go tell this person, call this person and tell them what you did.
Speaker 1:Like that was my life when I got pregnant with my son. Like I had to call my aunts and tell them what I did, why I'm very grown, I'm literally 21. Like I'm really grown and we were very aware of what we were doing and this was a possibility. But like why is this such a bad thing? And my first pregnancy was so bad? Like, in terms of other people looking into the situation, it was really, really bad. We were bad people to be bringing a child in, which means when the kid was born, I kept getting. Your baby will never be anything. You're gonna grow up like your child's gonna grow up with a single mother. Like all of these things came in, but you can't tell me I'm not gonna succeed at something, because then I show out. So now, with an almost 22 year old Shakespearean actor leading plays all over the US, baby, most talented, listen, like.
Speaker 2:so remember when you had seen I'll be trying to claim them Like look, look at my baby.
Speaker 1:Like remember what you had said about the single mom raising this kid? And went listen, when I was in therapy, my therapist said who are you still trying to prove wrong? And I was like what? And she was like who told you that you and that baby would never amount to anything. And then she's paused, cause I didn't say anything. She paused and she said are they still living? And I said no, and she said so, essentially, you're trying to prove yourself to a ghost.
Speaker 1:From that day forward, I was like well, shit, this is stupid. I mean, granted, both of us have accomplished a whole lot, just in general, but it was the fact that I was still being driven by people who weren't even living anymore. And she's like you have to make the choice. Like, are you going to live your life for you or are you going to live your life one in spite of what other people had to say, or incomplete opposition, so that you can prove them wrong? She was like they cannot come back and give you the accolade that you're looking for, right? And I was like, oh, okay then. Well, thank you, maybe. And then I was like are we done with our session for the day? Cause I gotta go, because how dare you come for me like that?
Speaker 2:And you know that I tell my clients all the time. If you feel like I'm coming for you, number one, I am Number two you need to really look at what the situation is, because I'm low-key coming Cause I can recognize and see things, but I'm only coming to educate you, to decrease some of the confusion that you have, versus you operating in a bunch of confusion, because when you're confused you're going to be making poor decisions.
Speaker 1:Me Reckless decisions, and I think a lot of people do that. Like I don't deal with a lot of people who have substance abuse, but when I was at school, a lot of the people that I was like we had like a little breakout sessions and stuff. They had substance abuse issues and they were saying that a lot of it stemmed from it was an escape from the chaos, and I'm like well, who created the chaos? And they're like sometimes other people, sometimes me, and I was like I can't imagine running away from myself because I am so out of touch with what I actually need that I'm just doing whatever to get attention, which is why I tell people you need to ask other people when they're coming at you and you know you haven't done anything.
Speaker 1:Like do you need to be hugged, heard or held? Which is it? Like what do you need from me right now? Do you need some understanding? Do you need me to hug you? Do you need me to just listen? Like what is it that you need from me? Because you are taking out your anger in the wrong place. Like I literally just walked in the house. I don't know who pissed you off today, but it wasn't me. So what do you need from me in this moment? So we're not fighting.
Speaker 2:And I believe and this is again according to Carmen when you have a good source of people around you you don't have, they don't have to ask you that because they know I call my close friends, which about three, a good three to four people sit on what I call my board of trustees, which I can call them, and they automatically know by the tone of my voice, by the energy that I'm bringing, what I need. Okay, I just need to listen to her today, because if I say anything, she's gonna snap. I have my yes person that anything I say, even though it's crazy as hell, she's gonna say yes to it. She knows good and well, I'm not gonna harm her, nobody, I'm not gonna drive my Jeep into nobody's front door. But when I'm saying it she's like yes, let's go, let's do it After I'm done, I'm calm, I'm good to go. But they automatically will know because they've invested. You've invested in them and they've invested in you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I call that my advisory board and we're digging into our advisory board in the 90 day coaching. Because I was like everybody doesn't have like I was really shocked. I was like wait, y'all don't have this. And they're like you having an advisory board. And I was like yes, me thinking this is normal. And they're like what is that? Like say more. And I started explaining it and they were like how do we build that? And I was like oh my God, like this is, y'all really don't have a group of people you go talk to about certain things, so you don't pop off on people. And they were like no, I said y'all are here loose candidates. I don't know how you live your life like this. Maybe it's a burglary.
Speaker 1:It might be a group.
Speaker 2:It might be.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I'm just like it's not, because I think I feel like I said I'm a consult Carmen before we had this conversation and they were like who is Carmen? And I was like Carmen's a therapist in the group and they were like, well, I was like there's a therapist, there's a pastor, there's a spiritual consult. I was like y'all have a, and then, of course, naturally I had one that's got a gun and a trunk of the car. Like everybody serves a purpose, everybody serves a purpose. Whenever I'm like bitch, I'm mad, I'm calling the one with the gun and the trunk, cause she gonna be like hey, what are we pulling up? We're literally not gonna pull up anywhere, but the fact that she lets me go there, we're gonna talk about it. Though we're gonna talk about it. She's like you feel better now and I'm like actually I do. And she's like all right, now, go take a shower and journal in your book and go on with your life, Cause she knows I'm not going to. But it's just like no, yes. And then if I send a message to the spiritual consultant or my spiritual advisor and I'm like I need time, she's like meet me at my house at 6 PM. Like hers is never on the phone. It is literally never on the phone. It has not been in 10 years and she's like I will clear my calendar If you say I need time. That's a SOS.
Speaker 1:At this point. There's nobody left on the advisory board that's been to help me through this, and this isn't like we're gonna pray about it. This is not that type of shit. Like do you need a spell? Like what are we doing? Like what do you need from this? Do you know how to charge your crystals in a full moon? Like it is, I need you to help me get through this. And then she'll be like okay, well, here's what's happening. It's almost like a palm reading. I wish it was Most times. It's not that nice. She'll be like so here's what you did to cause this. And I'm like damn.
Speaker 2:And this is what you need to do to get up.
Speaker 1:Here's how you cleanse your aura and do all the things. And then I'll be like okay. And then she'll be like don't talk to nobody tomorrow. And then for 24 hours I go ghost and then I come back in all this world, with the world again, but I'm like you don't have people in your life that can check you in a way that like if somebody else were to check you. And I think maybe that's the problem is that even in the boundary setting or in the relationships you have in your life, you're giving permission to the wrong people, right? You know what I mean? Like I was, I never gave permission to anyone I've ever been romantically involved with to check me. That's not your place.
Speaker 1:I gotta earn that, yeah, like that's a different level of trust and I don't want you to misuse that in trying to get things from me that you don't actually deserve. So no one I've ever been with intimately has been able to do that, and that's on purpose, because we're not going to blur the lines but could, like my best friend, be like did you know you was wrong?
Speaker 2:Like girl.
Speaker 1:We'll apologize. You are not right. Like girl, let me tell you what he did. Okay, well, what did you do to make him do that? And I'd be like, but that's not important, that is important because you started it and I'm like, you know, that's another. I think the advisory board is a set of boundaries that's going to catch our blind spots, because they don't tell you you did this shit to yourself.
Speaker 2:Like all real and transparent with you, and we all need those people in our lives and it doesn't have to be this massive group of people because we got to be careful, we trust with our stuff. It could be a good two to three.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, my mother told me there should never be more than five. She was like as many fingers on your hand. There should not be more than five In our circle. People in mind has stayed that way. They switch out, though Seasonally is switches. I think that's interesting. That's a new development in my life right now Is that, as I grow like, when you become the smartest voice in the room, that's a problem, and I was like okay, I need to hang out with different people.
Speaker 2:You need to take a different, different route doesn't mean that you got to cut people off and all of that. They just be adjusted in your life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is, you know, insert you, I ran, I ran for so long, it's okay, it's okay, we'll keep you, we'll keep you, thank you. So then we get to do podcast episodes and people are like, oh my God, these are the people in your circle. Yes, yeah, because when you move to different levels, you need people who are on that level or above it, who get it, and they're like okay, so listen, this is bullshit, but this is what needs to be done. Or even down to accountability.
Speaker 2:This whole thing of saying this is what we're going to do.
Speaker 1:Like this podcast episode that we've been trying to do for months and a half.
Speaker 2:But we hear, we're here.
Speaker 1:Once we put it on the calendar. There it is, and I'm like, no, it's not going to be a big thing for me this year. I'm like, no, ain't going to be no more. Yes, let's get together. Uh-uh, here I sent you a Zoom link. We're going to do this on this day at this time and we stuck to it. But I realized that was something I needed to do for me, because, if not, my day would just be gone and we talk all day, every day. So the fact that it was like, no, we literally had to schedule a specific conversation and we're going to be able to do it ourselves and the people in your life, and we're going to be able to get shit done Exactly, and I'm like, just make it work, like you have to figure this out, and we figured it out, and so now people have this wonderful podcast episode.
Speaker 1:I'm so excited, I do too. I do too.
Speaker 2:All right, we've been chatting for almost an hour oh wow, exactly. I feel like an hour?
Speaker 1:It doesn't, but it has definitely been almost an hour. Now we can do a part two. I feel like we're going to need to bring you back.
Speaker 2:I am ready Put it on the calendar.
Speaker 1:I will put it on the calendar and I'll ask the audience what else they want to know about. I think this is a fabulous conversation on boundaries. I love that. Even from a therapist lens, you said a whole lot of what I say in coaching I just don't deal with trauma. But the fact that you did say there are some things in trauma you need to see a therapist for it I wholeheartedly agree with that.
Speaker 1:I tell people that all the time I'm like a coach cannot get you through some of your childhood trauma. We can help you through some stuff, but there's some other things that, like is going to require some deep mental health work and I think people need to particularly women of color, need to understand that like it's okay for you to go talk to somebody about what happened, because the pressure that we are under In general like you're raised from birth to be twice as good as everybody else that's a lot of pressure and if you don't ever acknowledge it and address it, then you have issues as an adult where you can't set boundaries, or your people please, or people run all over you or your voider, and you just procrastinate and then don't do the stuff at all and then you pop off and you mad at other people, so I think it's super important. We will definitely leave all your information. Are you accepting new clients? What do you offer?
Speaker 2:I offer direct mental health counseling. I don't like calling it counseling. It's therapy through the internal family systems lens. So look that up and I do. It's kind of weird the coaching that I do, because it's totally different than what you do. I focus on the mental health side of things, so it's like coaching therapy combined. Oh, reach their goals. It's called daydreams to dollars. So we think about not really think about, but we really process out like what are those dreams that you've been holding on to and that thing you want to achieve? What is blocking you from getting there? And we do some intense work around that and then planning and coaching around making it happen and getting it done. So yeah, I love that that's so wonderful.
Speaker 1:I didn't know that. You know, I know.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll make sure other people know. We'll definitely put all your information below. You also work with children.
Speaker 2:I work with children, but mainly teens right now, because I'm doing mostly everything virtual.
Speaker 1:I got it. That makes sense. I was just thinking if there were parents who were listening like their teenagers need this level of work early Listen. My kids are in therapy, Like we, not missing sessions with Kelly and child. One time I got the calendar wrong and we missed the session. Oh baby, it was like hell up in here. We don't miss our sessions with Kelly and it's more of a. I want to make sure that my children are emotionally well equipped adults.
Speaker 1:There it is and that is why you know we are super into it, we appreciate it, we believe in it Because it helped me until my therapist told me I was thriving and I didn't need her. And I need to accept that I was thriving in life and I was like what I didn't know. Your therapist could break up with you but she needed. She was like, yeah, you don't really need me, Like you're kind of thriving in your life and I need you to accept that. She was like that's your homework, I need you to accept that your life is not horrible. And I was like, oh, okay, girl, that's cool. But thank you. And I'm like people need to understand there are certain seasons in your life you need a little bit of help Exactly.
Speaker 1:You just do so. That's why we have the positive voice podcast. I will make sure I link all the Carmen stuff down below and until next time stay sweet loves.
